In a nutshell, the trick is: Don’t try to win, try to solve. These are the 4 components that I found are required to do this right.
1. Take your ego out of it
Our animal instincts will always tell us that winning means making others lose. Consequently, we often don’t care as much about truth or real progress as we care about being seen as the one who defeated the other party. This is destructive and makes the other party want to do the same to us. So, if we see that we can’t take our ego out of an argument, it’s usually better not to have the argument in the first place.
2. Avoid humiliation
Wanting to be seen as defeating someone else entails humiliating the other party as the loser. As social animals, few things are worse for us humans than humiliation – even in seemingly small doses. If the other party fears they may be humiliated, they only push back harder or just pretend to agree to avoid being shown off as the loser, neither of which solves the argument. Instead, show understanding with the other’s reasoning, and highlight possible flaws in their arguments with empathy.
3. Recognize the other
Arguments can quickly get heated, especially when they are about core beliefs. This can lead to a sort of mental tunnel vision, where one gets single-mindedly bent on attacking or defending a belief while losing sight of everything else. In other words, once arguments get heated in such a way, the parties effectively lose all empathy with one another and regress into a fight-or-flight mindset that all but ensures a lose-lose scenario. It is better to recognize the other and their standpoint by asking the right questions, rather than relentlessly pitting conflicting beliefs against each other.
4. Be on the same team
Are you in an argument where one will emerge the victor by making the other the loser, or are you trying to solve something together? This is what it ultimately comes down to. Once you succeeded in turning an argument into a team effort – that is when you have truly won it.
There you go – simple, right? Well, maybe not always. Our basic instincts can often stand in the way of solving arguments constructively. But it is possible, and knowing how to do something in theory is the first step to being able to do it in practice.
Markus + Micah 
Great post! Many things in life can be solved when we put our ego aside! 😊
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Thank you!
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This is good advice, Markus. A lot of people would benefit from taking a less aggressive stance towards others in all situations.
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Yes, it can often be dehumanizing, can’t it
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Yes, when I read your article I realised how very dehumanizing it is.
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very well said! especially the last point, it sooo important!
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Important and super easy to forget in the heat of the moment!
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Wise words! I’ve been annoyed with someone, but you made me stop and think. Picking a fight would not be productive. Thanks for helping me put on the brakes.
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Thank you, Anne! I hope it helped create a happier outcome for both of you.
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I kept my mouth shut, and all was well.
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Sometimes silence truly is golden, isn’t it? Very well done!
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Thank you for making this blog post, my favourite one was the 4th,
‘Be on the same team’
I felt like I always have to remind the person I am arguing with, this one thing. Although I am not perfect, this was the one thing that I kept trying to push.
Because I really don’t like feeling like we hate each other so much, that we are both willing to be on our own team. I think it just makes us feel as though the other person doesn’t care, which just prolong the argument.
Thank you again for posting about this 💙
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We do tend to so easily “other” someone else in the heat of an argument, no? It is always good to remind someone of this in an argument. At the same time, this perspective can’t be forced, only chosen.
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Yes you’re very correct. Thank you for your response, and your beautiful perspectives 🙂
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Thank you, and I really appreciate your comments, too!
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Great advice. I especially like your last point. That seems to escape many people who need to cool their jets.
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Yes, exactly – which usually applies to both sides of the argument. The impulses for self-defense are strong in us humans. And feeling attacked verbally can be almost as bad as being attacked physically – sometimes worse. And so the responsibility for how an argument goes is always shared, no?
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This is a great post. Being vulnerable, a soft reply and forgiveness can go a long way when there is conflict, too. There is a saying, something like, “nobody ever really wins a war.” Arguments can be like that, too. Maybe sometimes though, with the strategies you wrote about, we can avoid the “losses” and the hurt. Thanks for your post, and Enjoy your day!
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Yes, an important saying, and definitely applicable to this. Thank you for reading, and a great day to you, too!
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